This weeks column is a compilation of conversations I’ve had with various friends and people across the country, with a satirical twist. It’s sparked most recently, America, removing sanctions on oil for a country they are currently fighting… it’s asks, are you, okay. – Dan
Hello America, can you hear us??
From up here in Canada, we’ve been watching the United States for the past 14 or so months the way you watch your friend text their ex:
You don’t want to interfere…
…but you’re also like, “Hey… maybe don’t.”
So let’s just go through a few things, because lately it feels like every headline starts with “Okay, hear me out…” or “I’ve got this, just get me another beer” … or whatever else your having.
We are the polite poeple, the ones who always say sorry, but, we can’t be sorry for these… observations… it’s not okay anymore… in no particular order…
At one point, you floated the idea of acquiring Greenland.
Which is wild, because most countries stopped collecting land like Pokémon cards a while ago.
From the outside, that didn’t feel like strategy.
That felt like someone scrolling Google Maps going, “Add to cart.”
Then came tariffs.
Not just a few.
Not just targeted.
Just… everybody gets tariffs.
Allies, rivals, probably a couple of confused countries who were just minding their business.
It stopped sounding like “America first” and started sounding like, “America would like to speak to the manager… of Earth.”
Then NATO got a little… weird.
You know NATO, right? Cold War, Russia bad, us good… that alliance.
The big “we’ve got each other’s backs” group chat?
Yeah, that started feeling like someone muted notifications.
Nothing says stability like, “We might not show up.”
From the outside, that’s not comforting.
That’s us and Europe quietly deciding another chat is now necessary, without you in it.
On the topic of your neighbour to the north… We’ve been pulled into something we didn’t think would happen… 51st state? seriously… WTF?
We thought, okay, you’re leaders joking… once.
We laughed.
A second time…
We laughed again.
And now we’re laughing a little slower.
Because at some point you have to know we started thinking, “Okay but… why does this keep coming up?”
We’ve had a great relationship. But some of us are checking the locks every night now… the neighbourhood isn’t as safe as it used to be.
Let’s not make it any more dangerous.
Then Venezuela.
For years it you sanctioned, talked sternly, like a disspointed school teacher and occassionaly screamed at them like a parent.
Then, boats start blowing up off their coast, you bring your navy to the yard, and replace their leader, in the dead of night, like it’s a simple software update.
Remember those locks we just checked? We’ve added a deadbolt.
When we called the rest of the world, they were bug eyed, not surprised, but thinking “Oh wow… we skipped a few steps there.”
And right after that… oil. Except, you forgot to tell your big oil companies that is what it was about.
Nothing says “this is definitely not about resources” like immediately talking about resources.
Latin America saw that and went, “Yeah… we’ve seen this episode before.”
But even worse, your president was turned down by big oil execs… they’ve seen it before too, they like their things, in one piece.
In the middle of all of this is Epstien, ICE, and threats to nationalize elections. It looks suspiciously like a movie we’ve seen, you know, the grainy one, circa 1930? then again, 1944, where you were once the good guy and helped take care of that problem?
Yeah, we’re hoping the boats don’t have to open on your shores one day… something we never thought we’d have to say.
Now we get to Iran.
And this is where it starts to feel like a group project where nobody read the instructions.
There are strikes. There are seemingly a dozen reasons you chose to do it… but it’s like you’re playing a pin-the-tail on the donkey, blindfolded, on Truth Social… after midnight.
There’s escalation. You know, the bombing of everything that moves?
Oil prices start doing their best impression of a Elon Musk SpaceX launch.
And then, in the middle of all that…
The U.S. eases pressure on Iranian oil.
So just to recap:
You’re fighting them…
…but also kind of helping them.
Which makes sense economically.
But politically?
That’s like arguing with someone while holding their coffee and saying, “No no, go ahead, take a sip.”
And here’s where it gets… quiet.
All those allies you’ve been poking for the last year…
The tariffs.
The “pay your share.”
The jokes.
Yeah… they’re suddenly very busy.
They’ve all kind of stepped back like coworkers when the printer jams.
“Hey man… that looks like your project.”
And talk about Karma?? You had to ask the Ukrainian president to help protect the biggest best armed forces on the block. We still aren’t sure why they didn’t tell you no.
It’s okay though, you don’t need them … but then you do. You’ve won, but then you haven’t. The straight is your problem, then you’re throwing a temper tantrum like a 2-year-old…
TACO isn’t an option anymore… and all those previous chickens have come home to roost. Leaving their feathers, and other things… all over your president.
So it’s not a “we” project anymore…
It’s “you.”
And from the outside, that’s new.
And while all that’s happening…
Global oil shifts.
Russian oil finds a little more breathing room.
And suddenly, a war that was supposed to stay contained… doesn’t feel so contained anymore.
Which is a very complicated way of saying:
None of this stays in one place.
It never does.
Also, why was Ukraine going to help you again?
A simple lesson.
It turns out when you tell your friends you don’t need them…
eventually they believe you.
And we think that’s the real issue.
It’s not that America is falling apart.
It’s that from the outside, it feels like we’re watching the dress rehearsal and being told it’s opening night… for a political drama, comedy, or horror… depending on which showing you catch.
Because when you’re the centre of the global system, everything matters.
Every move.
Every comment.
Every 2 a.m. post with THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THE MATTER – PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP.
Every joke.
Somewhere, someone is treating it like policy.
And just to be clear…
We don’t hate Americans.
Not even a little.
Most of you are kind, grounded, and watching this unfold the same way we are… shaking your heads and asking, “What now?”
We still love your people.
Your culture.
Your places.
That hasn’t changed.
What has changed… is the trust.
You used to feel predictable.
You used to feel steady.
Now it feels like you might text us at 2 a.m. saying, “Don’t worry, I fixed it.”
And we wake up wondering…
what did you fix…
and what did you break?
So yeah.
From up here?
We’re watching.
We’re a little confused.
A little concerned.
Still very much your neighbour.
Just… maybe hydrate.
Sit down for a minute.
Make sure someone has the map.
Make sure someone is actually driving.
And let us know if you need anything.
We’re still right here.
Signed,
Canada
Read more: Column on accountability, Manifesto
Hey, this is really a great article. No hate, no causing hard feelings, just stating some observations that many of us are also noting. Well done and I appreciated some of the well done subtle humour in an otherwise not so humorous topic.